My aunt and uncle gifted me my first doll — a Cabbage Patch Kid — when I was two. When I unwrapped it on Christmas morning, my parents watched in horror as I screamed, bit the doll, and threw it as far as my tiny arms could manage.
Thinking about it now, maybe that was an early sign that I’m not a huge fan of babies.
I played with dolls occasionally as a kid, but I was way more into digging in the dirt than playing house. While other little girls doted on their “babies,” I preferred catching salamanders. They dreamed of becoming moms; I dreamed of owning a candy store (which, for some reason, I wasn’t going to allow my mom in).
As I grew older, I never developed that love for babies that comes so naturally to other women. Newborns don’t make me feel all warm and tingly, and I have no idea what baby fever feels like. So, it should come as no surprise that, at 39, I am child-free by choice. But despite it being the right choice, it’s not always an easy one to live with.
The Pressure to Procreate
Choosing to remain child-free is an anomaly in a world where womanhood and motherhood still largely go hand in hand. It defies expectations and challenges society’s perception of motherhood as an integral part of womanhood. Yet, despite how far women have come, those of us who choose not to bear children are met with disbelief—and even disgust.
We’re told that becoming a mom will fill a void in our lives and that we’ll regret it if we choose to remain child-free. Many doctors refuse to perform permanent sterilization procedures on women who haven’t had kids, and some still require approval from patients’ husbands. Family members express pity when we say we don’t want kids and try to convince us that we’ll change our minds one day. Online trolls rage about the selfishness of child-free women.
The link between womanhood and motherhood is so deeply ingrained that choosing not to become a mom can make one feel like less of a woman. For me, the sense that my decision to remain child-free makes me somehow “less than” other women has persisted for years. With 40 quickly approaching and my biological clock ticking, it’s always lurking in the dark corners of my mind. But I still stand by my decision.
Finding Meaning Without Motherhood
Life gets lonely without kids.
Most other women my age are moms whose priorities and lifestyles are, naturally, much different from mine. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Parents’ lives should revolve around their kids. Unfortunately, in my experience, it’s been hard to find solid common ground upon which to build meaningful friendships with folks whose lives are so different from my own.
The good news? I’ve found meaning elsewhere.
When loneliness sets in, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to live in a home filled with tiny giggles and smudged fingerprints on every surface. At the same time, my need for “me time” validates my decision to skip becoming a mom and reminds me to seek meaning elsewhere.
I have an amazing fiancé, and despite living over 100 miles apart, we make it work. I can work from anywhere with an Internet connection, and since I don’t need to worry about school schedules or extracurricular activities, I can visit him whenever I want.
My child-free status lets me live a life that doesn’t revolve around motherhood. Quiet mornings with coffee and a good book, evenings spent binge-watching without worrying about ratings, and spontaneous weekend adventures fulfill me more than parent-teacher conferences and Little League games ever could. I get to sleep according to my schedule, and I don’t have to worry about paying for braces. Being child-free lets me pursue my ever-changing interests and hobbies. It also gives me the freedom to melt onto the couch and do absolutely nothing when I need to unwind.
A Complete Life, No Kids Required
A lot of people would like me to believe that I’m “missing out on life’s greatest joy.” While that might ring true for some, I find plenty of joy in my fiancé, family, and freedom to live on my terms. I won’t pretend there aren’t “what if” moments where I imagine how things would be different if I’d had kids, but I remind myself that my life is just as fulfilling without them. My choice to remain child-free doesn’t create a void. It gives me space to grow in my own direction. And that feels exactly right.
