As the person who reads my writing knows (thanks, Mom!), my daughter is an animation addict. Once upon a time, Frozen was her Disney Drug of choice. It got so bad that I fervently hoped they’d write the sequel as a five-minute short where Olaf dates a heat lamp and Elsa and Anna reenact the final scene from Thelma and Louise.
No such luck, of course, so I had to freeze my daughter out of Frozen myself. Unfortunately, this involved pushing her towards other
Still, all is not lost.
You see, as my daughter found a new obsession, it occurred to me that the problem with Disney is not the films themselves but the endings. They’re so happy and perfect that as soon as the credits start rolling, our children say “Again. Again.” When, in actuality, we want them to say, “A gin? A gin? Can I get you a gin, Mom, while I hand over the remote so you can watch ID Discovery?”
Luckily, this dilemma is easily resolved. By rewriting the endings, and replacing the magical conclusions with good old
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: In the real ending, Snow White and the Prince go off to his castle and live happily ever after. In my ending, it’s a bit different. After getting together in haste, the Prince and Snow White realize they have nothing in common and, because she is a princess and he is a prince in a village of about eleven people, they each secretly suspect that they are first cousins (or perhaps brother and sister).
Nevertheless, they attempt to get to know each other over a nice bowl of quail. Snow White finds the Prince arrogant and slightly creepy (after all, he did sort of engage in necrophilia); she comments on his deep singing voice and makes a passing joke about him sounding like Darth Vader. In retaliation, the Prince points out that she once lived with seven men; he repeatedly sings “Hi, Ho” under his breath. They realize things aren’t working.
One day, Snow White meets the Magic Mirror. It sweeps her off her feet by constantly telling her she is the fairest in the land. They eventually marry in a ceremony officiated by a chest of drawers. The Prince returns to his castle and patiently looks forward to meeting a new lover at the next family reunion.
The Fox and the Hound: In the real ending, Tod (the fox) and Vixey (his foxy girlfriend) lovingly look down on Copper (the hound) from the forest hills. In my ending, Tod realizes that that bitch Widow Tweed basically domesticated him and then abandoned him in the wild stripped of his natural instincts. In an act of revenge, he eats most of her hens. The movie closes with him commenting that they taste like chicken.
The Little Mermaid: In the real ending, Ursula is killed and Triton realizes Ariel truly loves Eric. He then changes her from a mermaid to a human so they can wed. In my ending, Ariel can’t really adapt to the person-centric world, feeling too much like a fish out of water (bu-dum-ch). Eric tries to help – he takes her on a romantic date to Red Lobster where she is reunited with Flounder. And…scene.
101 Dalmatians: In the real ending, Roger and Anita Radcliffe celebrate Christmas as the Dalmatians – having defeated Cruella De Vil – arrive on their doorstep where they are gleefully welcomed home. The Radcliffes then buy a bigger house, enabling man and beast a chance to live happily ever after. In my ending, the Home Owner’s Association hears about a residence with 101 noisy, barking, disruptive Dalmatians. They send passive aggressive letters every week to Roger and Anita until they finally agree to sell the dogs on Craigslist.
Bambi: In the real ending, Bambi is deemed the Great Prince of the Forest and proudly dotes on his wife and twins as credits roll. In my ending, Bambi – feeling inspired by his name – flees the woods to become a stripper at a club. He is successful, with patrons regularly, aggressively, and rudely commenting on his nice rack. Disney is suddenly forced to rethink their G rating.
Old Yeller: In the real ending, Old Yeller contracts rabies and has to be shot. In my ending…on second thought, Disney did a good job with this film’s conclusion. I can picture lots of children doing what I did: Watching it once and then not wanting to see it ever again.